Breathe
by theraininspring
Summary: The inner turmoil of Addison Sheppard. Eventually Addek.
1. Breathe

this will be addek.

_-----------------------------------------------_

_and i give you just a little time  
i, wonder if you realize  
i've been waiting till i see it in your eyes_

It was cold and dreary, again. She wasn't surprised, Seattle seemed to suit her mood quiet well, or maybe it was Derek's mood rubbing off on her. She didn't know anymore, all she knew was she couldn't breathe in that trailer. She was chocking, slowly but surely.

That damn tiny bed. She used to love wrapping herself in Derek's arms before falling asleep but as of late Derek had no desire to hold her. So they would sleep next to each other like perfect strangers. It was so hard in that tiny bed. That bed was much too small to be lonely in. Much too small to be happy in. Much to small to breathe in.

Before she became a world renowned surgeon, before Seattle, before New York, she would have panic attacks. She'd just stop, unable to move, unable to breathe. She was weak. He even carried paper bags in his pocket for a while. And then it stopped. Simple as that.

And suddenly, she found herself unable to breathe again. And this time Derek didn't have a bag for her.

So she left, early in the morning. Much before her shift and much before he would wake. She sat on a park bench by the small lake near the trailer compelling herself to take deep breaths. And with each strained intake of air she'd think about something else that had gone wrong in her life. She wished she could take it back, all of it.

She even wished she could take back coming to Seattle, at least then she could have saved face. She knew Derek was going to leave her, she saw it in his eyes. He was never good at keeping secrets. Here in Seattle, she was could do nothing but wait for the words to leave his mouth. For him to declare defeat and move on. And she'd be left to pick up the pieces, she knew she wasn't strong enough but she'd put on her heels and make sure no one would see her inner turmoil. She'd try atleast, he deserved to be happy, even if was without her.

She couldn't remember when they'd been happy last. She knew she hadn't been happy since he left. And she was quiet sure he hadn't been happy since she had arrived. Such a strange paradox.

"There you are."

The voice took her by surprise. She wanted to be alone, she deserved to be alone. She turned, her eyes brimming with tears.

"I couldn't breathe," she whispered in such a low voice she was sure only the water heard.

He nodded and sat down next to her, cautiously putting an arm around her. She knew she looked fragile and weak. Something even her New York attitude was unable to cover-up.

"Did they start again?" His voice shallow.

"After you left."

"I'm sorry."

She nodded, responding to his empty words, "I am too."

She leaned her head on his shoulder. She knew they were happy together, once. A long time ago she supposed. Was it too hard to imagine both of them being happy together again? She was too tired to pretend that wasn't what she wanted.

_so i whisper in the dark,  
hoping you hear me  
do you hear **me**?_

_------------------------------------_

Michelle Branch.

I swear there'll be less angst as the story progresses. There is also a plot, I promise!


	2. Made to Heal

Thank you.

----------------------------------------

_we're made to heal…_

"When did they start?"

He was so calm about something which consumed so much of her life.

When had they started? She had no idea, sometime between losing her step father and brother. Or maybe it was earlier. She wasn't quiet sure. Maybe they had always been a part of her just well hidden beneath her glossy exterior.

"I don't know. I just remember having them, and then they stopped."

He nodded, as though he understood her from the few sessions she had attended.

"And what do you think Derek has to do with these?"

Derek? Derek was her life, or at least he had been. They shared everything, and then one day they stopped. Maybe it wasn't so sudden, maybe that was only how she chose to recall her situation.

"And why do you think you stopped talking?"

He pried, it was supposed to help, right? Did it always hurt this much when it was right?

"A lot happened, we got promoted, we bought a bigger house, and we lost a child."

A simple list of why marriages fall apart.

"You lost a child?"

She nodded but that was a long time ago. She and Derek were different people back then. Maybe that was the problem.

"I don't think I'm ready to talk about this."

"Talking is the only way you can get past this. Until you acknowledge why you and Derek began to drift apart you can't expect to reconnect."

He paused a moment, hoping for a response, she was sure wasn't going to come.

"We'll continue this some other time, your session is just about up;" he stopped though obviously not finished with his train of thought. It was apparent he was choosing his words wisely, "I don't want this to be a one time referral from your marriage councilor. I want to keep seeing you Addison; we all need someone to talk to when we feel alone. You can schedule your next appointment with my secretary."

She wasn't supposed to be alone. She had Derek. Maybe he wasn't enough. Maybe that's what had changed. Maybe that's why she had needed to destroy everything.

She nodded, gathering her things quickly. People who didn't have anyone to talk to did irrational things but she was a rational person. Was there really anything to worry about?

She stopped at the desk on her way. She had believed she was a rational person. But that was before Derek had left.

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An emergency surgery over with a four hour break before her next shift started. She sat in the on call room, sleep unwilling to come no matter how badly she needed it.

Would the pain be worth it? If she and Derek could find each other then would revealing all her secrets be an acceptable offer?

If it meant happiness. But could anyone promise her that? Sometimes she thought it would simply be better to be sad. Her perfect persona never in question. Maybe it wasn't better, only easier.

"I thought you'd be asleep."

She hadn't even heard the door open.

"I can't sleep."

"Are you feeling ok?"

His voice was heavy, was she a burden?

She didn't respond. And he didn't ask again, she supposed it was apparent from her disheveled state.

"How was the session?"

Where was she supposed to start?

"We talked about Kaelyn."

What were the odds?

They stood in silence for a moment before her sobs broke it. And she couldn't stop herself had she wanted to. There were tears falling freely and she felt Derek's arms unsurely wrap around her. He knew it was what she needed. She hoped it was what he needed too.

Their baby girl would have been 6 today. She hoped he knew that. She hoped the Derek she loved still loved her.

She was afraid he'd leave and she'd never stop needing him. What would she do then?

She woke up to her alarm. Four hours and Derek were both gone.

_i depend on you  
for the wings of life  
and the air that you move_

_-------------------------------------------_

Our Lady Peace

More angst? Sorry, I tried not to but it's hard.

And to my reviewers (aka my heroes), this was not the response I expected but I am thankful, more than you could ever imagine. I'll leave you all with this thought:

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy--they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." --_Marcel Proust_


	3. Time & Time Again

After the season finale I am no longer Addek, but I have a vision for this story and I plan to carry it out regardless of what smut ABC puts on.

I really hate the way they've written Derek in these last few episodes particularly so I'm going to clear things up and make the time setting post "Yesterday." That was back when it seemed genuine. When I believed this show might be different.

Hence, angst feels good, feels right.

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_so when are you coming home, sweet angel?  
you leaving me alone? all alone?  
well if i'm drowning darling, you'll come down this way on your own_

It didn't anger her, no, it saddened her to a degree, but most of all, it disappointed her. And though she wouldn't admit it, it hurt her, more than anything else Derek could do.

"You don't have any pictures of her," her voice slow and soft and most of all deliberate. Each syllable emphasized to make sure he understood that she had meant for the conversation to occur.

"What?" He was distracted. The words she spoke not even registering.

She looked at him, trying hard not to yell or scream. Most of all trying to pretend it wasn't Meredith on his mind.

"Pictures, Derek, pictures. You know, she was our little girl."

He looked around at the trailer as though he'd never taken notice to the fact before.

"I suppose I don't"

She took a deep breath, so shaky even her hands were unstable. The thick dark liquid threatened to spill.

"That's why I didn't look for you Derek. I suppose that's when I knew you'd changed."

She brought the glass to her lips, trying to steady herself.

"Addison." His voice was strained, like her name pained him to simply say. Did she pain him to stay as well?

"I kept thinking one day I'd come home and there'd be things missing. Clothes, shoes, even your laptop. And her pictures. I made copies because I was afraid you'd take my favorite ones. But nothing Derek."

He took off his glasses and stared at her. Disbelief written across his face.

"You didn't just walk away from me Derek. You walked away from her too."

"We aren't having this conversation Addison. You've had too much to drink and I don't want anyone to say something they regret tomorrow."

They sat only a few feet apart but they might as well have been in different rooms, even different cities. And they sat with that distance for a moment until Addison got up and stood in front of Derek.

She wasn't sure what she was going to say now. It was all planned in her mind but things had a way of never making it out of her mouth quiet how she imagined they would.

"What's wrong Derek? You didn't want your perfect girlfriend to think her perfect boyfriend had an imperfect daughter? With an imperfect heart? Huh, Derek, would it ruin your perfect appearance, your perfect hair, your perfect life?"

She wasn't angry. She wasn't at a place to feel anger, it was always sadness. She was sure Derek saw that but chose to ignore it.

And with that sadness was strain because it hurt so much to say.

She waited, waited for him to yell, scream, something. But nothing came.

The file closed and he walked to the bedroom where without even looking she knew he was loosening his tie with the two top and bottom buttons of his shirt undone while sitting on the edge of the bed. His shoes tossed to the side. The right one lying slightly on top of the left.

She knew so much about him. Noticed every detail. Even when he was walking away.

Had he noticed her in the past few months? Had he ever noticed her?

Her breathe caught in her throat and she tried, tried hard to breathe but it seemed impossible.

She stepped back slowly and returned to her sitting position. She was so tired, she was sure her feet wouldn't have supported her for much longer.

She was crying, though she had no idea when she had started, maybe she had been for the entire conversation, if you wanted to call it that.

She was shaking, not just her voice or hands now, but her entire body. The apathy was going to kill her, just like the feeling she was chocking.

She tried to steady herself. Closing her eyes and thinking about what it felt like to be calm.

She still couldn't breathe. Sometimes she wished they would kill her instead of simply putting her in so much pain.

She felt a nudge and opened her eyes to see Derek holding a paper bag.

She took it, feeling so very wretched. She screamed helpless, she screamed broken. At least it was the truth.

Something they had seemingly not shared in months.

He stood there for a few moments, watching as her breathing returned to a normal pattern and then spoke. Slowly and softly like she had. And just as deliberate.

"No, Addison. I never thought I was perfect."

She held the bag for a moment. Making sure she could say what she wanted to say.

"Good Derek because I was starting to think you thought of yourself as God because that look in Meredith Grey's eyes is worship Derek and I can't give you that."

She brought the bag back to her mouth. The feeling of breathlessness returning.

They remained as is for the moments to come. Uncertainty between both.

Removing the bag, she looked up at Derek. She was still crying and she was sure she was never going to stop.

He was looking elsewhere. She hoped he was remembering the good times. She was tired of his dreams of Meredith.

She remembered their happiness. And compared to the sadness it was much more plentiful.

Somewhere it got lost.

"Please Derek." Her voice interrupted their silence once again.

He simply nodded and helped her to the bedroom where she curled up. Here breathing still uneasy.

She knew her dreams would be restless though knowing Derek's frame lay next to her gave her some comfort.

He was still with her. Though she'd never tell a soul, she prayed one day his heart would be with her as well.

_i wanted to see you walking backwards  
and get the sensation of you coming home  
i wanted to see you walking away from me  
without the sensation of you leaving me alone_

---------------------------------------------------

Counting Crows

I hate making Addison seem so pathetic but the way I envisioned their relationship for now makes her seem broken. I don't like the idea of a man breaking a woman but when you love someone so deeply they can hurt you in the worst ways. But they can also put you up and that's hopefully where this goes.

And boo on ABC for using the concept of not being able to breathe. I felt violated when Meredith said that. Ok, so I might be getting a little possessive of something I don't know ;).


	4. The End Has Only Begun

Ok, so I lied, I am still addek, just a hurt addek fan. I mean, one step forward, six steps back are the way the writers are writing Addy and Derek. But now I'm over it, I'm done with Grey's itself but the wonderful world of fanfiction will keep me going! And so will reviews ;).

And I am still a diehard member of Team Addy!

And I don't think I'll ever be mer/der, they represent everything I hate in a couple. And I'm not an Ellen Pompeo fan. If it matters to anyone.

-----------------------------------------------------

_Tonight feels like a million miles away  
And these times just won't change  
Life just stays the same  
I'd give anything to see the light of day_

"You see, Derek has this story he likes to tell. He likes to believe I broke him and Meredith Grey put him back together. The truth is Derek broke me and along the way he broke himself."

She sat still, her legs crossed, the knee length pencil skirt still sitting on her perfectly. Her black Malanos shining even in the dim light of the office. Her shoulders back and her hands lying softly across her knees.

She was perfection in the form of a woman. She looked put together almost unbroken. She made angst look good.

But then again who knew of her anguish? She was Addison Sheppard, the highly frustrated, passive aggressive, but relatively happy neonatal attending at Seattle Grace Hospital.

She had looks, money, success. What could she be sad about?

Was everything too large of an answer?

"After we lost our daughter, we stopped talking; I lost a part of me then. And when we stopped going home together, I lost another part. When we stopped making love to each other, I lost another part. And when I miscarried, I lost another part of me. Somewhere along the line I lost so many pieces I fell apart. I broke."

He was still looking at her. A sad understanding.

"I can see how you broke Addison; my only question is, if Meredith put Derek back together, who puts you back together?"

Who was going to fix her?

The husband who broke her?

He was the only person who could.

"Maybe I'm meant to be broken."

And with that she took a deep breathe. She always felt shaky; even if her body was still inside she was falling apart.

"No one's meant to be broken. Some people choose to be broken but no one is meant for it," he looked at her, concern filling his eyes, "I need you to know that Addison."

She fiddled with her hands, being nervous was a new habit.

"Schedule your next appointment with my secretary. Maybe in a few more sessions Derek can join us. I think he needs to see the progress we've made."

What progress had they made?

She was still just as broken and sad and Derek still did not care.

Even if Derek came, he could never see just how deep her pain was. Derek couldn't even see her.

She gathered her things and still scheduled the appointment.

She walked to her car and sat down, shut the door, and buckled her seat belt. And before she could do anything else was felt tears running down her face.

She was but a shadow of the woman she used to be.

She remembered happiness, smiling, laughing for the sake of laughing.

She remembered being strong, being confident. She remembered waking Derek up in the middle of the night to make love to him.

When had that Addison disappeared?

She wanted to yell, break things, anything to make the pain less. But what was the point in screaming, no one was listening anyways.

She dried her tears, life went on and she would have to learn to live with this new weakness.

-----------------------------------------------------

She leaned on the railing looking over the lobby outside the Chief's office. Her meeting with him stressful but he understood. He prayed it wouldn't come to that but if it was what she needed; he would give it to her.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. Her hands shaking only slightly.

She prayed it wouldn't come to that but life had a way of taking unexpected turns.

She turned her heel, she had patients, she had labs to run, she had surgeries, and she had no time to wallow in self pity.

She had reached the nurse's station when Derek tapped her on the shoulder.

"Richard said I should talk to you. He said there's something I need to know."

His voice still indifferent, as if Richard had ordered him to inquire about his wife.

She wanted to keep walking, Derek didn't need to know.

Perhaps he didn't deserve to know.

"It's nothing you need to worry about."

She took a step forward. What was the point in telling him, his continued indifference would certainly only kill her further.

It simply hurt too much to tell someone who didn't care.

"I try Addison, I try, and now you walk away."

She stopped, she walked away? After everything, he had the audacity to say she was walking away.

"It hurts Derek. It hurts to say and I can't tell you if all I get is apathy. Everyday I find myself losing another piece; you can't ignore me this time."

Once again it wasn't anger. She felt like she may never have the strength to yell at Derek again. Like she would never be strong enough to feel any emotion other than sadness.

He continued to stand his ground, no words necessary between the two.

"I told Richard that I may need to take a leave of absence. I'd stay on as long as I could but I just don't know."

She remembered her life without medicine, it was her escape. Without it all she could do was obsess over the thousands of mistakes she had made in her short life.

She felt so weak, so helpless once again. And she dreaded going back to that sad place within herself.

"Leave for what?"

She stepped closer, her body next to his but both remained stiff.

"My attacks," her voice so shaky, "If they get worse, I don't want to be here."

"They won't get worse. I'm here."

He said it as a matter of fact, like he could cure her. Simple as that.

"I don't know if that's enough anymore."

She was scared. And for a second she thought she saw fear in his eyes. For the first time, in a long time she saw real emotion from him, like he understood how much they hurt her. How much he hurt her everyday.

Fear that he may not be enough anymore. Like she knew she wasn't enough.

"After you left I stopped doing surgery. I just couldn't do it without you."

So sad, so slow.

They were silent and she knew it was in that moment that Derek realized just how important he was to her. And the idea that he may not be enough would mean her end.

He brought his hands up to her elbows, cradling her slightly. Both their bodies relaxing at the touch.

"But I'm here now," he whispered into her ear, his voice so low it sent chills down her spine.

"You're not really here Derek."

So sad, so slow.

She stepped away from him long enough to catch a glimpse of his eyes.

Oh, his eyes always got her.

And as soon as they weren't touching all she wanted was his touch and he understood.

He kissed her, hard but still full of passion. She needed him, and it almost seemed like he needed her too. She prayed it wasn't just in her mind.

They stumbled backwards, towards the on call room, a hunger between the two they thought they had lost.

The door was open and shut and she was sure more than a few people had seen them but she didn't care. He felt so good and she hadn't felt good in a long time.

He draped kisses along her neck and unbuttoned her shirt quickly. His hands not moving fast enough for either one.

He pushed her against the door. And she wished he'd push harder so she'd have marks to remember the feeling of being of being held.

Her arm snaked around his neck bringing him closer as he finally removed her shirt and propped her up, her legs wrapping sleekly around his torso.

Slowly key clothing fell aside and they explored each other's bodies, daring to believe it wouldn't hurt more in the morning.

It felt like home, like nothing bad had ever happened to her and he had never been hurt.

She tried not to cry.

"I don't want you to be broken"

His voice hoarse. She didn't know what it meant and she was sure she never would.

"Then don't stop."

It was easier to pretend that was all she needed. And she knew it would only break him further to know she was already shattered on the floor.

And for a moment she dared to believe she was the only one who could fix him.

Their breathing heavy as he set her down. A glistening layer of sweat covering their bodies. She didn't know what to feel but it felt almost like happiness, though she wouldn't kid herself with thinking that that was what she was feeling or the idea that she may feel it again.

She felt Derek's tears in the crevasse between her neck and shoulder, a place he always rested his head when he was unsure what to do.

"I meant it."

His voice tired. They were both dieing.

"I don't know if I can believe you."

She kissed him before she found her clothing. Life was too hard sometimes.

It scared her to tell him anything else. He was everything to her. She'd do anything; give up anything just for him. But to let him know that, that was too much.

And most of all she was scared of what to do because Derek was finally listening and no one had listened in a long time.

_we walk in your footsteps  
though i've had my ups and downs  
and i'll stand in the silence  
until i figure it out_

_one might fall and the other will stand  
and one might give where the other won't bend  
the night is bright as the sun_

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Lifehouse

I didn't want to write the sex scene in detail. I mean we don't need to see panties dropping to get the picture. Plus I am horrible at writing it, angst is much more my forte. I don't know what I'm trying to get across; their relationship is a mess at this point so I guess it makes sense the story is a mess too ;).

Thanks to all my reviewers--ya'll make the world go round.


	5. Delicate

on we go, and thank you.

_------------------------------------------------------_

_so why do you fill my sorrow  
with the words you've borrowed  
from the only place you've known_

She needed to be alone. Truly alone.

She was tired of being around people and still feeling alone.

They all laughed and smiled and she played along. But the act was getting harder and harder.

She always felt so tired and lieing took so much effort.

So she took herself away from it all and escaped to the roof of Seattle Grace which overlooked the bustling downtown.

A light snow was falling even in end February.

The city lights twinkled and she could hear traffic down below, it almost felt like New York.

She missed the city. Or maybe she missed how she felt in the city.

She knew it wasn't the city, or how she felt, it was how she was with Derek. It was being close to Derek.

Regardless, Seattle had grown on her, though it wasn't home.

She hadn't been home in ages. Home was when she was happy with Derek.

Once upon a time she thought home would be wherever Derek was, but Seattle made her doubt this. Seattle made her doubt everything she believed in.

"I'm starting to think you've become a recluse."

She turned her head to see him standing in the doorway of the stairs. He wrapped his coat tighter around himself as he walked out onto the roof.

She knew it was cold, colder than any other day in February but she was already numb to it all.

"You should be wearing a coat Addison."

He stood next to her, trying to keep her warm.

Was this his effort to be a good husband?

"I'm ok Derek. I just needed a minute away from everything downstairs."

She turned and sat on the ledge of the roof.

Her fingers playing in her lap. This conversation made her nervous, Derek made her nervous.

"Are you having trouble breathing?"

He remained off to the side of her now, looking out over the city.

"Not anymore than usual."

She had learned to live with the pain in her chest every time she inhaled. A reminder she was alive.

Did it worry him to know his wife was becoming accustomed to being incomplete?

"Maybe you should see a doctor."

She smiled, "I am a doctor. And so are you. What's your prognosis?"

"This isn't funny Addison."

"It should be."

She was a joke, wasn't she? Wife of Dr. McDreamy who was in love with Meredith Grey. The nurses all gossiped, poor thing, she had no clue.

She knew, she just chose to ignore it. That's how broken she was.

She looked up at him. He looked so composed as they stood there. She wondered how he did it. How he woke up everyday, how he went to work, how he simply lived, simply breathed.

"I think about jumping sometimes Derek. Sometimes I think there's something better."

He didn't move.

"You scare me sometimes Addy."

She smiled again, "I scare myself."

She wasn't going to jump, no. She'd only think about it every once in a while but she was much too afraid of life without Derek to actually do it.

She wondered if he knew that.

He kept her alive.

"How did you do it Derek?"

"Huh?"

She shook him from his reverie.

"How did you do it?" Her voice cracking.

"Did what?"

He was looking at her, and she swore she saw tears in his eyes.

Why do we always hurt the ones we love the most?

"How did you move on? How did you keep living your life when mine fell apart?"  
She sobbed softly. Her fingers feeling numb now from the cold. And it hurt but it still felt good to feel something again.

He knelt in front of her, holding her hands within his. He felt warm. He felt alive.

"Is that what you think Addy? Is that how you see us? That I am perfectly fine and you are broken? I can't be whole without you and I tried but every time I see you and I see you in pain, I break."

His voice so desperate, so hurt he had to pause, compose himself.

"You were in so much pain in New York, and I tried but you wouldn't let me help you. It was so hard seeing you like that and not being able to do anything. So I stopped. I couldn't bear standing outside the bathroom door listening to you sob inside and then walk out like you were perfectly fine. You stopped letting me in, and I just stopped trying to get in. I thought you didn't need me and I needed you so much. I didn't know how to fix it Addy," he chocked slightly, "I still don't know how to fix it. I never meant to hurt you. I just don't know what to do. Tell me what to do, please."

He was crying softly, and she saw Derek break in front of her eyes.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, allowing him to rest against her chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist, his cries became deep sobs which shook his entire body and shook her small frame too.

She felt so close to him, closer than they had for a long time.

"This Derek, just do this."

_we might kiss when we are alone  
when nobody's watching  
we might take it home  
we might make out when nobody's there  
it's not that we're scared  
it's just that it's **delicate**_

-------------------------------------------------

Damien Rice

Short but we get to see Derek break. It shows they share the heartache, Addison's pain is Derek's pain.

Inspiration from "Round Here" by Counting Crows--look at the lyrics, they played a big role in where this chapter went. And once again, thank you.


	6. Grey Blue Eyes

Yes, life unfortunately got in the way of me updating like last week. That and beautiful writers block. Hopefully I still have some readers!

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_don't forget my broken heart  
you remember it from the start  
you made it and it's all a part  
of your grey blue eyes_

She wondered how many was too many.

When drinking went from being recreational to when it became a problem.

Her mother was an alcoholic, but her mother had reason to drink.

Maybe she had reasons to drink.  
Derek was finishing up a surgery. She was going to wait for him at Joe's. He said he'd stop by later.

It had been a week since the roof, since Derek broke and she wasn't sure where they were. Neither had the energy to discuss the situation. It was easier to simply take comfort in the other's presence and pretend their other problems didn't exist.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the interns. All of whom were laughing and already drunk beyond measure. Meredith stumbled off her seat as her friends doubled over with laughter again. A young man helped her up and the way she leaned on him Addison knew what would come next.

She wasn't sure what she felt but it wasn't disgust. No, Meredith was young and attractive she had every right to be do what she chose in her free time. Perhaps it was disappointment.  
Yes, disappointment that this was who Derek fell in love with. This was the woman who occupied his mind every waking moment of everyday.

A woman so different from herself.  
She held her breathe. Had Derek changed that much?

She looked at Meredith again, had they met like that? She stumbled and he picked her up?

Derek always liked to play the white knight.

She lifted her finger, signaling she was ready for another drink. Joe came down, and filled her glass. She couldn't remember how many she'd had.

The hours trickled, the interns and Meredith's new friend had all left and the bar slowly emptied. She knew it was closing time and Derek was no where to be found.

She felt like stumbling and seeing if Derek would be there to pick her up.

"Dr…umm..Mrs. Sheppard, I called you a cab."

She looked up at him. Was it pity in his eyes? Derek never came and Joe knew. She felt exposed.

She took a deep breathe. Her life wasn't about to fall apart sitting in a cheap bar.

"Thank you Joe."

She got up and walked steadily towards the door. She knew how to carry herself, even when she had had much too much liquor.

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She wished she was in New York, the part of the city where you worried about getting into cabs in her condition. A place you had to worry about getting home. But this was Seattle and no one worried about things like that. Everyone got home safe even when they didn't want to.

She saw the driver smirk as they pulled up to Derek's trailer. Yes, this was the place the woman wearing the newest season of Jimmy Choo's called home.

If only he knew she had no true home. This was just the place she slept, when she was lucky enough to get sleep.

She opened her purse and pulled out a crisp, large bill. And the smirk on his face was gone. Her perfect exterior preserved again.

She looked out front and saw Derek's rusty jeep. Her legs felt weak and the liquor finally kicked in.

The door opened and she exited the cab. Her knees like jello but she didn't stumble and she didn't fall. At the door she stopped one hand on the door knob.

It surprised her that she wasn't crying though her continued ability to feel this sadness frightened her slightly. She had felt a glimmer of hope earlier but the sadness had returned.

He had left her, forgotten about her. She ached deep within. Such a pain she was afraid she couldn't breathe much less continue to live. And she didn't know what to do. It was too soon to feel that way again. She wasn't strong enough yet. She was sure she never would be strong enough but Derek had done it again.

They had come so far. Sometimes she'd look at Derek and see the man she married but maybe she had been looking too hard. Imagining things that weren't there.

Maybe they hadn't gone anywhere at all.

She stumbled into the trailer, towards the bathroom.

She handled her liquor, and she knew when she couldn't.

Her mother had reasons to drink. And now Addison knew she had reasons to drink.

She felt a hand on her back, gentle and soft. And someone held her hair.

And though he was her husband, she still felt a little shocked that it was Derek standing with her.

"Why did you drink so much?"

A rhetorical question. Why drink anything less than what makes you numb the pain of everything else.

And tonight, sitting on the floor in their tiny bathroom she knew it hadn't been enough.

She wouldn't tell him, though, and she wouldn't tell him it wasn't the first time she had drank too much. Derek was a deep sleeper and he never noticed when a bottle of wine disappeared.

She leaned back against the door. She felt worse than before.

"Are you done Derek?"

Her voice so soft and tired. She looked so weak sitting before him. And she dared to hope that the second time she asked the question he would answer honestly.

His eyes scanned over her. Her hair a brilliant mess and her mascara smeared and running down her cheek. Her skin a paler shade than usual. She was still beautiful, a beautiful tragedy.  
"Addison. I knew you would make it home."

He had no idea how bad she wished she hadn't.

"You haven't forgiven me."

She remained on the floor, afraid she'd only fall if she attempted to stand.

"I don't want to talk about Mark."

His voice full of pain and she wondered how his pain compared to hers.

"Not Mark."

And she knew that he knew what she was talking about because the look in his eyes changed.

He could deny it but she knew he thought about it. Derek wasn't the kind of man not to think about it.

"I didn't know what to do Derek. You said you didn't want to have children after Kaelyn. I didn't know what to do."  
She felt so tired but not sleepy. Just worn out with no hope of rest.

"I don't want to talk about it"  
It was over a year ago, he still didn't want to talk. She wondered if he even wanted her. Obligation was a big word.

"Derek," she stood up Derek had seen her fall more than once. Though now she was sure he wouldn't help her up, "I'm sorry."

Her breathing shaky and quick. And she felt like she was dieing but she knew death wouldn't be as painful as what she felt.

"What do you want me to say Addison? What do you expect me to say? Do you want me to say that it still hurts, that I still think about it? Because I do, but it doesn't change anything. I can't do anything to stop it. Everyday," he held his head in his hands before looking at her, "I don't know how to mourn for a child I never knew I was going to have."

A slow building anger within him. Anger and sadness.

They stood in silence and the world was spinning so fast she was sure years had gone by and not simply seconds.

"And I'm responsible for it."

Oh God she couldn't breathe.

"I didn't say that." He moved towards her but she stepped away.

She was trembling, and trying to breathe but it seemed damn near impossible.

"Sometimes you don't need to say things, you just feel them."

And she remembered the feeling. Knowing that you're life was falling apart at the seams.

It wasn't intentional, she had wanted the baby but circumstances got in the way. Her life had a way of never turning out how she expected.

"My mother died and I went to that funeral alone. I lost the last part of my family and you weren't there to hold me up."

"If you had told me Addison. It would have been different."

Maybe things would have been different but a baby didn't fix what was broken in her marriage. Though her miscarriage had only made it worse.

"You should have come with me. You should have sat by me as we buried my mother."  
She felt a cold sweat as she remembered collapsing during the funeral. She had known something was wrong.

She knew the statistics; added stress to the fetus caused a miscarriage in the first trimester. Very common, though she never thought she'd be part of the statistics she told her patients when what they feared the most happened.

She should have told Derek, she knew that but she was afraid. Fear that the joy a child brought could so easily be overshadowed by loss once again. Little did she know her fears would come to pass regardless of her actions.

"I was going to tell you Derek."

"You told Mark."

And an uncomfortable silence fell between the two.

She knew she'd never stop paying for her mistakes.

But then again she knew didn't deserve peace.

"Because Mark wasn't you. You, the husband who was quickly becoming the best neurosurgeon in the entire country at the cost of his family, the husband who forgot his anniversary, the husband who stopped answering his wife's calls, the husband I saw in the late hours of the night and never woke up to in the morning."

"I made mistakes Addison. I won't deny it but you didn't tell me I was going to have a child."

"I know. But you should have come to the hospital. No one should lose a child alone."

She never told him how much that hurt her.

It was the only other time in her life she had wished she hadn't made it home safe.

"You weren't alone Addison, you had Mark."

She closed her eyes. Tears streaming down her face and unable to breathe.

All she remembered was hearing the door slam and Derek's car start.

_you're gone and i know i'm dead  
i've lost my way  
can't find me in your grey blue eyes_

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dave Matthews Band

I promise I'm gonna lay off the soap operas and try to tone down the melodrama! Though it helped me move past the block sitting on my laptop so I won't complain too much. Hopefully the next update is sooner!

And thanks for reviewing--you make the sun shine

Thanks for reviewing!


	7. Numbness for Sound

Slight language ahead--very slight. enjoy.

_cold, and the whiskey is wearing  
and i'm on the edge of my breath  
ohh...  
and i'm thinking of leaving  
i could just lay down  
lay down and freeze to death._

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Derek thinks I had Mark. He doesn't understand."

It was the darkest time in her life and Derek thought she had Mark.

She was shaken. How could he even think that?

The alcohol was still in her system but now in the form of a hangover. But then again, it wasn't the first time.

She woke up in the bed of the trailer, every inch of her body aching. Derek had come back at some point and taken pity on her passed out self. He was, of course, gone before she woke up.

But the simple fact that he had come back meant he cared, right? Or at least she hoped that's what it meant.

They had been moving forward. But now she just didn't know.

Waking up with the knowledge of what Derek believed made it feel maybe they had done nothing at all in the past few months. She was right back where she started.

She didn't know who would understand. Though sitting in front of a man she barely knew she thought perhaps she had made the wrong decision.

But then again who else could she go to? He was the closest thing she had to a friend in Seattle.

"Why did you have Mark?"

Why? Because Derek was gone. Maybe not physically but that didn't matter. Derek wasn't there when she needed him the most.

She couldn't be alone after everything that had happened. Someone had to pick her up.

She wanted Derek, she needed Derek but Derek didn't need or want her.

Or at least that's what she thought.

Maybe she had made a mistake.

She closed her eyes before speaking, trying desperately to keep breathing.

"Maybe Derek thought I didn't need him. And I thought Derek didn't need me."

And what they really needed most was the other.

Maybe there was no hope.

She didn't let Derek in. He was there and she just didn't see him. Maybe she _had_ broken Derek.

"What do I do?"

Her voice strained. Someone had to tell her what to do because she was lost.

Someone had to help her.

"Addison, you've connected the pieces. You don't need me to tell you anything."

She felt weak. He couldn't tell her. And she knew she couldn't tell herself anything.

That was why Derek had left in the first place.

She felt tired and she couldn't think straight.

"It's ok to cry Addison."

He said it simply, like he thought she hadn't cried in ages.

"I know, but I'm too tired to cry."

Crying meant hope, fear that you could lose it all.

She had already lost everything and it was her own fault. She couldn't blame Mark, or Meredith, not even Derek.

The emptiness she felt threatened to devour her. It even seemed too hard to simply carry on with her life. But that feeling wasnt anything new.

"I have to be at work. Thank you for seeing me at such short notice doctor."

She got up steadily though her legs still felt so shaky.

The doctor said something but she wasn't listening, she just kept walking, she'd make it somewhere eventually.

She wasn't going to work. She never wanted to go to work. How could she give other people hope when she had none herself?

She started her car and drove to the trailer. For a moment she thought about leaving. Leaving Seattle. Leaving everything. Disappearing forever.

But that wouldn't solve any problems. And she'd still be as empty inside.

And the only idea which seemed to make sense was getting more liquor since she had already finished the bottle of brandy she had hidden from Derek.

She of course stopped; it was all too easy to drown her worries in alcohol. And it did help to dull the pain.

She looked at the clock; it was just past two in the afternoon.

Was this the woman she had become?

No one who knew her before Derek left would recognize her. That much she knew.

She wondered if Derek realized how much she had changed. His strong, beautiful, confident wife was no longer present. She was merely a shell of her past self.

She'd never admit it but sometimes she felt as much in need of a savior as Meredith.

She pulled up next to Derek's car; he was home, much to her surprise. She had assumed he'd be working long hours once again. She knew they were doomed to repeat their past mistakes.

She walked in, setting the bottle down on the table and looking for a glass.

"Richard said you took a personal day. I thought I'd come check on you."

She ignored him. He almost seemed interested in her though she knew she was probably reading too much into the statement.

He carried on, after taking notice that she continued to search for a glass and pretend he wasn't there.

"I want to apologize for last night Addy. My mind was somewhere else."

His mind was always elsewhere, on the woman who now held his heart.

She choked back a sob. Where the hell were all the glasses?

He remained standing where he was, between the kitchen and bedroom, leaning against the wall.

What did it matter anyways? Whether it was Meredith or Mark or anything else she had lost Derek along time ago. She was holding on to him by a thread now, a simple word like obligation.

"Addison, are you ok?"

She turned towards him. She didn't look perfect today. Her hair was still a mess and her shirt and jeans wrinkled. Her shoes scuffed and her makeup nonexistent.

"I don't think I'm ever going to be ok Derek."

And she could see the surprise on Derek's face that her voice wasn't bitter, just raw and heavy. So much so that the weight of it caused her to sit down.

She was there in front of Derek, walls down, simply falling apart. Open to him like any patient on an operating table. It was maybe the first time he had taken notice to just how unshielded she was these days.

"I think I'm going to leave."

She didn't know where that came from. But it seemed like the right thing to say.

"Leave where?"

He played dumb. Meredith didn't want anyone but him, and he didn't want anyone but Meredith. She was tired of this game they were playing.

"I'm too tired of this Derek. All of this. I can't do it anymore. Richard, he'll let me go. I need to go."

Her voice so desperate it hurt to hear and she saw the pain clearly written on his face. Her chest moved erratically, like she'd been crying for hours when really the tears had only really started.

"I don't want you to go."

He didn't want her to be broken either but there are things you can't help.

And it seemed like there was some honesty in his voice but Derek had stopped telling her the truth along time ago.

She looked at him again, trying hard to look through him. She hoped eventually she would stop seeing Derek like he stopped seeing her.

"I was in so much pain Derek, every moment of every day. And I thought you didn't want to help me. Maybe I was too dense or maybe I was so fucked up I didn't see things the way they were but I lost you Derek. I thought you didn't need me so I tried to find something to fill this hole you left inside of me," she looked into his eyes before continuing. She had to make sure he understood that she knew she'd never be whole again.

"I made a mistake and my life fell apart. I thought you weren't there Derek but I'm starting to realize you needed me then too. Maybe as much as I needed you, maybe more," she stopped again, catching her breath which came in short gasps now, "But now, now you really don't need me. It's ok Derek. I know its time to let you go."

They stood in silence. Everything so powerful she felt that the walls of the trailer would come falling down around them.

"I need you like air Addison. I need you like water. I need you like sleep, like rain, like medicine. I don't know how to make you understand but I need you to stay. I need you to know I'm trying."

He didn't move. Just looked up at the ceiling like he was fighting back tears.

She still loved him, and she knew she could never stop.

"You don't need me like that Derek. Maybe a long time ago but not now."

He needed Meredith and only Meredith.

"Those kinds of things don't change Addy. They're always with you."

Everything changes. Seasons, people, even love. She would've thought Derek understood that.

"You need me like that too Addison."

She looked over at him so stiff against the wall. He looked tired; he probably hadn't slept all night.

Maybe she did need Derek like air, that's why she couldn't breathe. He wasn't there and she was suffocating.

He turned to look at her and their eyes met again, "I'm afraid Addison. We're getting closer and there's this voice inside that tells me it's too good to be true. Like one day I'm going to wake up and it'll all be gone. Maybe I keep hurting you so I won't get hurt again."

We always hurt the ones we love the most, right?

"Tell me it's wrong. Show me I won't get hurt again," his voice just as bare as hers was.

She got up slowly and pressed herself against his frame. Somehow her curves still managed to fit perfectly into all his corners. Their lips slowly meeting, reassuring both that there was still something worth trying for.

They slept the entire afternoon. Addison hadn't slept like that in years.

_i'll wait, back here  
or will you notice  
a moment in time  
a photograph lost here  
since you were mine  
i'll wait back here  
or shouldi start pushing my way back_  
_yeah, should i start pushing my way back?_

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Howie Day

who knows what i'm doing here? maybe some addy and mer interaction next time. R&R, thanks.


	8. Passenger Seat

i have a cold--reviews are like chicken soup...enjoy.

_then looking upwards  
i strain my eyes and try  
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites_

She took a seat in the nearly empty gallery. Her husband was performing a routine surgery and he had one observer besides herself.

It was no shock to Addison to see Meredith Grey sitting two rows in front of her. She was so lost she had not even noticed Addison entering and taking a seat. It was not until Addison shuffled her patient files that Meredith even realized that she was no longer alone.

"Dr. Montgomery-Sheppard, I didn't hear you come in. I just had a moment so I thought I'd see Der—Dr. Sheppard operate."  
Addison smiled, "We're friends Meredith, call me Addison."

She didn't have friends outside New York. Richard a mentor, Preston a colleague. No room for friends.

"I would have thought Dr. Bailey had more interesting things lined up for her interns."  
Meredith stumbled, she was caught so off guard.

"I'm supposed to be in the pit but it's been a slow day so I thought I'd come here and learn something."

Addison nodded her head, "He is amazing to watch. Perfection."

The word rolled off her tongue and she knew she didn't mean it. Derek was no where near perfect, he himself would admit to the fact.

Meredith simply turned her head and watched Derek play God on the operating table.

It wasn't surprising to Addison that Meredith had agreed, though a part of her hoped Meredith really didn't think he was perfect. Perfection meant devotion, and who could compete with devotion?

But maybe it would help Meredith understand.

"He's not perfect Meredith. I hope you know that."  
Meredith turned; stunned at the words Addison spoke. Maybe a little offended at being seen as so naive.

"I know he isn't perfect."  
The words said with no conviction. Addison looked at the girl. She was still so young. In her eyes Derek couldn't be anything but perfect.

She took a quivering breath. It was a sad realization for Addison, Meredith had to know. Though she really deserved to know nothing. No one deserved to know but it was out of her hands.

"He hates taking out the trash. And he never makes the bed. He tosses his clean clothes with the dirty ones and he tells the difference between them by smelling them."

Addison paused, a look of longing on Meredith's face. She knew all of this.

"He hates talking about his emotions. He'd rather bottle it all in because he thinks he's saving people from being hurt. And he hates funerals. He hasn't been to one since Kaelyn." Addison's voice was a whisper. And the hint of humor in Addison's tone disappeared.

Meredith looked confused.

She didn't deserve to know, Addison's heart screamed.

"When Derek and I buried our little girl I suppose we buried part of ourselves. A part only the other person even knew we ever had."

"Addison, I…I never knew. Derek never mentioned."  
Of course she didn't know, Derek didn't talk about those kinds of things. Seattle was something new, something away from the pain.

"How we dealt with losing her was so very imperfect. Maybe that's when it started to fall apart, but there were things we both did. Mistakes we both made. But we both pray we can find that piece we lost in the other person."

An uncomfortable silence filled the room and Addison even contemplated whether it was worth continuing.

"And do you know what takes away from his perfection most of all? That he stayed with me, that he broke your heart."

Meredith looked up at Addison, emotions Addison couldn't even begin to explain written on her face, "No, that's what makes him perfect, that's what makes him Derek."  
And as Meredith said the words Addison knew she realized that no matter how much Meredith denied it, Derek was perfection to her.

"No Meredith, it doesn't make him perfect. His faults make him real. Make him human. Can you love someone who is perfect? To love means you see those shortcomings. You see them and you vow to make up for them. Derek is on a pedestal to you. You can't even admit that what he did to you was wrong. It isn't love Meredith."

Meredith looked indignant. Like she had been slapped in the face.

"Who do you think you are?" Meredith's voice quickly rising and Addison was glad they were alone.

"You march in here, perfect hair, perfect clothes, 3 inch stilettos like you're on some New York runway and you think you have any right to talk to me about perfection? You think you can tell me that I don't love Derek. Since you have been here, I have seen Derek make up for none of your faults because you don't have any Addison. Even your affair was because of Derek's faults. You tell me you aren't perfect but all I've seen is perfection. And that's all you demand from Derek. You are perfect."

Tears were streaming down Meredith's face and it took everything in Addison to keep herself together.  
"Meredith, please. I never said I was perfect and I never wanted people to think I was," maybe that was a lie, she just, she didn't want to be pitied, "I had to protect myself."

Meredith had turned her gaze to Derek once more, who was completely unaware of what was going on above him.

"I am no where near perfect, Derek knows that and he knows he is no where near perfection himself. But we try to complete one another. Derek is already complete in your eyes. You don't even see how broken he is."

Meredith collected herself, wiping her tears on her much too long sleeves.

"I didn't want to hurt you, that was never my intention; I just needed you to see how you see Derek."

Meredith was already half way out the door but she stopped and turned back to Addison, "If Derek is broken, it's because of you."

She heard the door shut and Addison was alone. It didn't hurt to hear those words, they were true. The only thing Meredith missed was that Addison was broken as well. They both had an equal hand in the destruction of the other. But Addison knew Meredith was in too much pain to see that Addison was no where near complete without Derek.

She honestly didn't want to hurt Meredith; she just wanted to save her marriage.

It would be different now, now everyone knew. Her image shattered, but if it meant Derek, it was worth it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She sat alone in the on call room, her eyes quite red she was sure.

The door cracked open, and Derek stepped in.

"I told her. She knows. They all know."

Her voice caught deep in her throat. It hurt to say, it hurt to imagine the scene outside. The interns, the nurses, everyone.

Derek sat down next to her, and kissed the side of her forehead, "I know."

"Are you upset?"  
She prayed he wasn't upset, she'd never make it otherwise.

"No, I should never have run from it."

His voice sad. Maybe a little upset that all the pain was truly a reality. They'd both been living in denial for so long it was hard to distinguish what the truth was.

"You will make up for what I lack, right Derek?"

"I always have and always will."

"Then I'll make it."

She laid down, her back to him. She still felt so tired. Tired and sad.

Derek put his head down next to her, pulling her closer to him.

In that moment, she felt like she was enough. She prayed it wouldn't pass.

_when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride  
when you need directions then i'll be the guide  
for all time  
for all time_

---------------------------------

Death Cab for Cutie

i think they'reready to moveforward in their relationship--hopefully no more crazy set backs like him leaving her in the trailer. we'll see (bc this story really goes where it wants).

and thank you.


	9. Closer to You

_these are the days  
that i won't get back  
i won't hear you cry  
or hear you laugh  
and when it's quite  
and i don't hear a thing  
i can always hear you breathe_

"You always look sad."  
She smiled at the irony, he sounded sad.

"I am, in a way. I think a part of me will always be sad."

She didn't feel like lying today.

Both sat in the empty on call room. Many of the other doctors and interns had named it the "Sheppard on call room" considering both of them, well Addison in particular, spent the majority of their free time in there.

And though Addison knew the Chief had probably received numerous complaints from other floors for the inconvenience of finding surgeons sleeping in their on call rooms he had yet to say anything to either one. She was sure he had heard the hospital gossip and knew both needed time to themselves.

Going through the pain of losing a child was hard enough. To hear butchered stories of the events was more than he knew they could bear.

And Addison was already so fragile.

Today Derek had brought sandwiches. He was willing to venture into the outside world much more than she was. Addison walked through the halls with purpose, never lounging at the nurse's station to fill charts or watch a fellow surgeon perform from the gallery.

A sinking feeling that if she was out there too long she'd stop breathing. She had been fine thus far but the thought, the threat, remained. They'd come back, she knew, it was just a waiting game now.

"What are you afraid of out there?"

What wasn't she afraid of?

"You're not the one they called Satan." The humor clearly visible in her tone.

He smiled at her, "I'm sorry for that."  
She looked back at him, a light in her eyes, "I know you are. I guess it was all too easy with my amazing red hair."

She took a bite of her sandwich. She didn't mind being in the on call room all the time, her and Derek spent more time together. They held one another. And at the end of the day they would drive home together.

It was quite a change.

But it really wasn't, it was like when they fell in love. Like when they were interns but she wouldn't scare Derek by mentioning that.

"I don't know Derek. It doesn't seem right. They didn't know her; they don't know how bright her star was."

Maybe too bright.

"I know, but maybe we should tell them. Maybe they should know how much joy she brought to our lives."

Was it really that easy?

"Sometimes I feel like I'm losing her. Like the memories are slipping from my mind."

"They're always here." He pointed to her heart. He's so simple sometimes.

"And here." She pointed to his heart. He made her smile, something she felt she hadn't done in ages.

She still couldn't shake it. There were so many things people didn't know.

They used to go to church every Sunday.

But no one cared about that. That didn't fit in with who Addison was. Or at least who she was supposed to be.

It was true; they were completely different people today.

"What if they think I was a bad mother? That I didn't do something. That I could have saved her."  
She never felt like she was enough.

"Then we'll tell them how it was. How we loved her more than life itself. How we had everything."  
And she couldn't help but think how quickly they had lost it all as well.

"I'm always here Addison."

But for how long?

"I know."

She kissed him. He was there right now and she had missed him.

He shifted so she was beneath him. They had done a lot of this since seeking exile in the on-call room as well.

"We can make it through this, together." He whispered into her ear, and she felt goose bumps all over.

She nodded and went for his lips again.

She wished this was her world. She needed nothing else and she prayed that Derek didn't need anything else as well.

And though she felt happy, she still felt like she was walking on a wire and that she could simply slip and lose it all at any moment.

_you know there's nowhere else  
i've wanted to be  
than be there when you need me  
i'm sorry too  
but don't give up on me  
and just remember that when you get asleep  
i got a little bit closer to you_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Wallflowers

i could end it now but that would be too easy. there are a few details we need to work out but i thought addy needed a break from being jerked around. and i felt in need of a simple, somewhat happy chapter.

thank you for reading.


End file.
